mer

(no subject)

i'm so vulnerable tonight. right now.

i took a new way to school today and it was beautiful. i think the more angles i see mohonk from from, the most enamored i am with it. it's like a friend i see five days a week and over christmas break, i'll miss it. we have this little understanding.

i picked up a peppermint mocha, my music, and hit the road, imagining i was going somewhere new. i ended up at the same destination, but my god did i go somewhere new tonight.

my dashboard. my freaking dashboard! i wish i could write poems, stories, my whole freaking memoir on that thing. there wouldn't be enough room and i would start writing words ontop of each other so that they blurred together into one big indecipherable blob, but no matter. i would remember. i would feel it when i run my fingertips over the ink. it would explode and i would always be acutely aware of the little indent on the inside of my right middle finger. i guess i don't hold my pen correctly.

it all really culminated during this 10 minute break we had in class today. the turning point, the climax, the catalyst! my professor said "tim, how is your dad?" to which he responded "he passed away 2 weeks ago" then they proceeded with their heart to heart. saying things like... there's nothing you can do and at least he's not in pain and i was lucky that i got close to him these past couple of years and lucky isn't the word and for me, it's really important to have some kind of faith that this isn't the end and i can relate to so many people because of this and you can't really understand until it happens to you. all of this ended with a simple "hang in there" and a friendly nod. there i was, sitting in the middle of this conversation not able to drink it all up, but taking a few careful sips, cautious not to get drunk. but i had it in my system and i was left with tears in my eyes for four men, two of whom i didn't know and at all, and two who i liked, but were only acquaintances i saw once a week for four months.

for the rest of class, i sat there, a little blank, wondering how they could just switch gears like that. strength, distraction, being still alive. you have to. you are strong enough to. they had come undone and picked up the pieces and i can't even imagine it. if i lost anyone like that.. my mom, dad, brothers, right now i don't know what i would do. i don't know where i would be. i would be in shambles and i don't know if i have the foundation for that. i hope i do i hope i do but i hope i don't have to worry about it anytime soon.

so i got back in my car and drove a while.
listened to my heart more than my head for once.
my biggest biggest biggest fault is not letting the people i care about know how i feel. i hope most of them know, i hope most of them get me, but for some i know i seem like a lost cause. i seem to be drifting, to be lost. a picture in a yearbook or a name from the past. i hate that. i am not pretentious, i am not too busy, i am just shy. i used to be such a people person but i forgot. somewhere along the line i started doubting myself so much that for a little whileee i forgot that we are all a different person with the same essence. i forgot how to talk to you.
i don't ever want to forget again.

i see so many kids everyday and i like them all, but my cousins i see twice in my life or five times a year. they are family. i am grateful i did not grow up in connecticut, but i regret being far from them.

my cousin libby, she is 11. i want to ask her what boy she has a crush on, and when she blushes and says none, i want to convince her to tell me her secret because "you know i won't tell anyone!" and she will whisper it in my ear and i whisper mine in hers and we will giggle and giggle and watch some silly movie like 13 going on 30 or high school musical or something. and i will be the one that knows and i will be the one she told and she will be the one i told and maybe we'll eat ice cream by the pint. and i will remember what it was like to be 11.

my cousin andrew, he's 15. i want to tell him about when i was 15. that my freshman year of hs was almost as lonely as my sophomore year of college in the fall. that you might feel alone, but look at the amazing people you have in your life. your few good friends now will probably be with you well into middle age. isn't that a beautiful thing? braces are cute, i want to say. and everything is just about confidence. if you like yourself, you become very likable. start liking yourself now because with age, it just gets harder. teenagers who read have my heart, keep reading. i'm so glad you havent lost your love for knowledge, your love for learning, your curiosity about the world. stay in the right crowd. it's cool to be smart. now is the time to thing about what is important to you and act on that. tell me about nay girls you have a crush on? ok ok fine you don't have to. just tell me about what's new with you. and he will know what it was like for me to be 15 and he will tell me what it's like for him. things go in circles. maybe i still am 15.

my cousin allyson, how old is she? 27, 28? i want to ask how is the hospital? do you love your job? do you have patients you get attached to? whats new with you and mike? are you going to be together forever, you think? i know forever is a long time, but what is it like to really be in love? i mean i know what it's like to love someone and i know what love is, but how on earth does it feel to give your heart to someone and know/ be sure that they won't mess with it. to know someone inside and out, to have a soulmate? is it exciting? can you not wait to go grey together? do you want a drink? and she will tell me what it's like to be 27ish. established. on your own. a child at heart.

my cousin tommy, 34ish. i want to say i'm sorry about your childhood and i'm sorry your dad wasnt around, but that is his loss. i am very very impressed with you and how good of a father you are. you amaze me. i wish i could see those kids more. i'm sorry their mom is psycho and i'm sorry the courts usually side with the mother so you are afraid to take her to court because if you do what if she lies about you and you dont even get to see your baby boys anymore? they are 2 and i held them in my arms when they were a couple of weeks old. i want the best for them and i wish i could know them. i know you will fight for the best for them. hang in there and please be proud of yourself.

lilly, you are 8. you are still young, innocent. soon you will know more than you want to know. you are already a social butterfly and you are going to be the homecoming queen or the prom queen or "everybody's best friend." you are so theatrical and i hope you never lose your confidence. i hope i stay one of your best friends. please call me just to talk. i wish we were all in the same little town. i don't have any sisters.

adam. my litle adam. only 4 years old and already so many cute girlfriends. you are shy but you opened up once i put you on the spinny chair in my room and spun you as fast as you could but not so fast you throw up. i am going to take care of you. i remember what it's like to be 4. youre the little kid and you like being that way. you will have more control soon, when you can handle it. for now we've got your back.

i dont want to keep writing these out , but i am going to say them. i am going to say them to my aunts, uncles, parents, brothers, bffs, crushes, aquaintances, classmates. i am going to know what it is to really know people. i am sorry i have been in a box for years without giving most of you the key. thanks for liking me anyway, but now i have so much so much to say and i want you to listen. and i want you to interrupt! or speak back. it's give and take. there are so so many people in my life, AMAZING people that i have taken for granted for too long. it's time for me to grow some balls and let everyone know how much they mean to me. starting tonight. so thank you and if i am a little different from hear on out, i hope you notice it and i hope it is the best way possible.

our youth is fleeting
  • Current Music
    this is the new year
mer

research paper blues

A, A, B+, A-, P,

...Maybe C? I really hate pulling all-nighters to do schoolwork, and don't feel like this is worth stressing out over. As long as I write something that is between 6 and 8 pages and site sources, a part of me doesn't mind sounding like a fool right now [JUSTIFICATION].
I have so much living to do. The big picture is enormous.
mer

(no subject)

So I should probably say something to you,
but I'd probably ruin it, then.
It's best for us both if I keep my mouth shut and just stay on my side of the train.
mer

(no subject)

"I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive."
  • Current Music
    let it happen
mer

(no subject)

College just keeps getting harder and harder.
I think that's good, but transferring three times has definitely given me a little more of a disadvantage than others. I finally got an advisor today so maybe next semester registration won't be such a production, but I won't keep my breath held. I guess the school is saying I don't have Comp I or a Foreign Language (um okay?) along with some other stuff that I am going to struggle to fit in before Spring semester 09 comes around, because the goal is to be student teaching that semester. This means either two eighteen credit semesters, or summer school. Maybe they will offer some of the stuff I need at OCCC this summer, like an art class and a western civ class.

College just keeps getting harder and harder. I am holding tight to my vision. It's like a golden locket I keep close to my chest and cover with my coat when this all becomes a cold, messy snowstorm. I will get through the winter because of my vision. It is one of the most important things I have and I can't be grateful enough for it.

College just keeps getting harder, but I am still having fun.
mer

words constantly fail. they do nothing but fail. this is not a pipe.

Friday, November 9th, 2007; Snow in my hair and a sheet of ice over everything. I ran my finger through the snow on Danny's car as I ran up the driveway into the house. Roadtrip tomorrow to help Tim with his new apartment: things are always moving ahead. Saw a mediocre movie with a few timeless friends: nothing in my life has ever changed. Saw an old friend and realized that we are exactly the same people, only with a few more years to our names. Being a student of literature has never been more exciting, being educated to educate is even more thrilling. I am where I belong. I am exactly where I need to be right now and
everything
is
calm.
  • Current Music
    maggie rocks
mer

learning/teaching high

Today in one of my ed classes, we had a guest speaker. She was showing us all of these techniques we can use to increase comprehension in our classrooms, and since she's a high school biology teacher at John Jay in Fishkill, we used bio info for all of the examples. There was a lot of collaborative learning, markers, posters, presentating, and student centered teaching involved.

I have had a bad taste for biology in my mouth since freshman year of high school. In just a little over an hour, I was excited about it. I liked reading the material and creating the posters and presenting the information.

That is phenomenal teaching. That is what it's about: infusing passion. Growth. This is what I was born for, hands down.
  • Current Mood
    clear
mer

"in case you were wondering why i believe in art"

Now
is not the time to lose your voice.
Now--
when the
same five faces
on the
same five channels
read the
same five stories
five days a week--
is not the time to give them all the airspace.

Now is not the time to listen and repeat,
or to nod your head
or to sit calmly in your seat
while you are handed a study guide
you can recreate tomorrow.

Now is the time to rip the staples from your lips
and free your tongue from bondage!
even if it stings a little,
even if the blood feels like pins and needles upon return.

Somethings are too important to get an A+ on.

You are an advocate.

You cannot be silenced the way
Martin Luther King
was not silenced
behind metal bars in Birmingham.
You must hold your pen up high.
You must hold your heart up high.

You must not pretend
that things
are okay
simply because these things have always been this way.

You must push for change like every parent
of a disabled child before 1975 pushed
to pass the Individuals With Disabilities in Education Act,
guaranteeing a free
and appropriate
public education
for their children.
And, like them,
you must keep talking, keep shouting
until promise becomes practice.

Now is not the time to stop caring
or become dehumanized by the horror around you.
You must stay human
the way
Martha Gellhorn
stayed human
reporting from Dachau,
reporting of prisoners so overwhelmed at having food
at last, that they "ate it before they could,
and it killed them."
You must say even the things that hurt your heart.

You must say everything.

You must not believe
that it is a woman's place
to be timid. You must challenge this,
the way a group of 30 8th grade women
at the Poughkeepsie Day School
challenged this,
by writing
"Dear Calvin Klein,
I don't know where you got your standards of beauty.
Women who look battered and scared and expressionless
are not pretty."

You must be the kind of woman who speaks up.
Who takes kick boxing lessons
who is not afraid to shout when an unfamiliar man in a parking lot walks up to you and grabs your arm.
Sometimes, you must use force.

Now is not the time to lose your voice.

Now,

when the icecaps are melting
and the oceans are warming so rapidly
that soon Tokyo and New York will both be gasping for air,

now,
when extremely rural and extremely urban communities
have public school systems that could be mistaken
for slaughterhouses
(dark, without any books, but with a lot of crap and blood on the walls)

now,
when america won't provide health care
for the hardest workers in her country
simply because they speak spanish

now,
when a woman's pharmacist can
choose not to refill
her birth control
because he serves a disapproving god

now,
when another holocaust
unravels everyday in Sudan,
and most americans flip the page
on the off chance it makes the newspaper

and your voice has more power than it's ever had,
can speak for thousands, save thousands

is not the time to lose your voice.

Now is the time,
women and men,
to buy more pens or paint or film,
to take the stage
or sing louder and outside of the shower,
to speak before you're spoken to
because for every word that stays caged behind your teeth
more than one
person
dies.