i'm so vulnerable tonight. right now.
i took a new way to school today and it was beautiful. i think the more angles i see mohonk from from, the most enamored i am with it. it's like a friend i see five days a week and over christmas break, i'll miss it. we have this little understanding.
i picked up a peppermint mocha, my music, and hit the road, imagining i was going somewhere new. i ended up at the same destination, but my god did i go somewhere new tonight.
my dashboard. my freaking dashboard! i wish i could write poems, stories, my whole freaking memoir on that thing. there wouldn't be enough room and i would start writing words ontop of each other so that they blurred together into one big indecipherable blob, but no matter. i would remember. i would feel it when i run my fingertips over the ink. it would explode and i would always be acutely aware of the little indent on the inside of my right middle finger. i guess i don't hold my pen correctly.
it all really culminated during this 10 minute break we had in class today. the turning point, the climax, the catalyst! my professor said "tim, how is your dad?" to which he responded "he passed away 2 weeks ago" then they proceeded with their heart to heart. saying things like... there's nothing you can do and at least he's not in pain and i was lucky that i got close to him these past couple of years and lucky isn't the word and for me, it's really important to have some kind of faith that this isn't the end and i can relate to so many people because of this and you can't really understand until it happens to you. all of this ended with a simple "hang in there" and a friendly nod. there i was, sitting in the middle of this conversation not able to drink it all up, but taking a few careful sips, cautious not to get drunk. but i had it in my system and i was left with tears in my eyes for four men, two of whom i didn't know and at all, and two who i liked, but were only acquaintances i saw once a week for four months.
for the rest of class, i sat there, a little blank, wondering how they could just switch gears like that. strength, distraction, being still alive. you have to. you are strong enough to. they had come undone and picked up the pieces and i can't even imagine it. if i lost anyone like that.. my mom, dad, brothers, right now i don't know what i would do. i don't know where i would be. i would be in shambles and i don't know if i have the foundation for that. i hope i do i hope i do but i hope i don't have to worry about it anytime soon.
so i got back in my car and drove a while.
listened to my heart more than my head for once.
my biggest biggest biggest fault is not letting the people i care about know how i feel. i hope most of them know, i hope most of them get me, but for some i know i seem like a lost cause. i seem to be drifting, to be lost. a picture in a yearbook or a name from the past. i hate that. i am not pretentious, i am not too busy, i am just shy. i used to be such a people person but i forgot. somewhere along the line i started doubting myself so much that for a little whileee i forgot that we are all a different person with the same essence. i forgot how to talk to you.
i don't ever want to forget again.
i see so many kids everyday and i like them all, but my cousins i see twice in my life or five times a year. they are family. i am grateful i did not grow up in connecticut, but i regret being far from them.
my cousin libby, she is 11. i want to ask her what boy she has a crush on, and when she blushes and says none, i want to convince her to tell me her secret because "you know i won't tell anyone!" and she will whisper it in my ear and i whisper mine in hers and we will giggle and giggle and watch some silly movie like 13 going on 30 or high school musical or something. and i will be the one that knows and i will be the one she told and she will be the one i told and maybe we'll eat ice cream by the pint. and i will remember what it was like to be 11.
my cousin andrew, he's 15. i want to tell him about when i was 15. that my freshman year of hs was almost as lonely as my sophomore year of college in the fall. that you might feel alone, but look at the amazing people you have in your life. your few good friends now will probably be with you well into middle age. isn't that a beautiful thing? braces are cute, i want to say. and everything is just about confidence. if you like yourself, you become very likable. start liking yourself now because with age, it just gets harder. teenagers who read have my heart, keep reading. i'm so glad you havent lost your love for knowledge, your love for learning, your curiosity about the world. stay in the right crowd. it's cool to be smart. now is the time to thing about what is important to you and act on that. tell me about nay girls you have a crush on? ok ok fine you don't have to. just tell me about what's new with you. and he will know what it was like for me to be 15 and he will tell me what it's like for him. things go in circles. maybe i still am 15.
my cousin allyson, how old is she? 27, 28? i want to ask how is the hospital? do you love your job? do you have patients you get attached to? whats new with you and mike? are you going to be together forever, you think? i know forever is a long time, but what is it like to really be in love? i mean i know what it's like to love someone and i know what love is, but how on earth does it feel to give your heart to someone and know/ be sure that they won't mess with it. to know someone inside and out, to have a soulmate? is it exciting? can you not wait to go grey together? do you want a drink? and she will tell me what it's like to be 27ish. established. on your own. a child at heart.
my cousin tommy, 34ish. i want to say i'm sorry about your childhood and i'm sorry your dad wasnt around, but that is his loss. i am very very impressed with you and how good of a father you are. you amaze me. i wish i could see those kids more. i'm sorry their mom is psycho and i'm sorry the courts usually side with the mother so you are afraid to take her to court because if you do what if she lies about you and you dont even get to see your baby boys anymore? they are 2 and i held them in my arms when they were a couple of weeks old. i want the best for them and i wish i could know them. i know you will fight for the best for them. hang in there and please be proud of yourself.
lilly, you are 8. you are still young, innocent. soon you will know more than you want to know. you are already a social butterfly and you are going to be the homecoming queen or the prom queen or "everybody's best friend." you are so theatrical and i hope you never lose your confidence. i hope i stay one of your best friends. please call me just to talk. i wish we were all in the same little town. i don't have any sisters.
adam. my litle adam. only 4 years old and already so many cute girlfriends. you are shy but you opened up once i put you on the spinny chair in my room and spun you as fast as you could but not so fast you throw up. i am going to take care of you. i remember what it's like to be 4. youre the little kid and you like being that way. you will have more control soon, when you can handle it. for now we've got your back.
i dont want to keep writing these out , but i am going to say them. i am going to say them to my aunts, uncles, parents, brothers, bffs, crushes, aquaintances, classmates. i am going to know what it is to really know people. i am sorry i have been in a box for years without giving most of you the key. thanks for liking me anyway, but now i have so much so much to say and i want you to listen. and i want you to interrupt! or speak back. it's give and take. there are so so many people in my life, AMAZING people that i have taken for granted for too long. it's time for me to grow some balls and let everyone know how much they mean to me. starting tonight. so thank you and if i am a little different from hear on out, i hope you notice it and i hope it is the best way possible.
our youth is fleeting